Sex is a touchy topic for a lot of people. For me, when a partner wants to talk about our sex, it can feel like I am being criticized for not pleasing him in the way that he wants to be pleased which leads me to think maybe he is going to get this from somewhere else (Oh..PTSD and anxiety, will you ever leave my head?). I truly think sex is beautiful. Physical intimacy can be so special and so personal or it can be so-so or just really awful. This next year, I am aiming for spectacular, personal, healthy, exploratory, memorable and personal physical intimacy. So join me on this journey of Better Sex This Year! And don’t forget to use these tips outside the bedroom as well!
So you are on board, you want better sex, but how are we going to do it?
And I don’t mean selfish as in “give me the sex now!” *arg caveman voice* I mean selfish as in standing up for what you want more of, standing up for what you want less of, telling your partner how you like it. Do you know how uncomfortable this is as a woman? I totallllly feel uncomfortable telling my partner something doesn’t feel good. I don’t want to hurt their feelings! As women, we are taught this type of behavior from a young age. We are taught to be SELFLESS, not selfish!
I am practicing being bold in the bedroom so I can apply being bold to other aspects of my life too. Plus, I’d love an orgasm every now and then. So, women, lets get to it! Start telling your partners what you want!
What an uncomfortable social construct. Who invented this weird experience of eye contact? Eye contact can be uncomfortable in any situation especially if you struggle socially or have anxiety. Eye contact is important though, it shows people you are listening and that they are important to you. Eye contact during intimacy can be very uncomfortable, especially for those with trauma or inexperience with sex in general. I didn’t make eye contact during sex until I was about 25 and it was only because my boyfriend at the time grabbed my face (lovingly) and told me to “look at him”. From that moment on, I realized that I had a bit of an issue and should look into that. I was hiding.
Questions to Ask Yourself & Your Partner
- Are you avoiding eye contact during sex?
- Are you hiding parts of your body?
- Would you gain more intimacy if you talked to your partner about these things?
Exploring the world around you is so important for learning and feeling like a citizen of the world, vs. a citizen of Boise, Idaho. You gotta get out there and see what else there is. The same is true for sex. There are almost endless possibilities to explore between you and your partner. Try something new. Try something new in a new place. Explore your partner in new ways. Sex should be fun and intimate. Get out there and try something new with your partner!
Questions to Ask Yourself & Your Partner
- Would you be willing to try _____?
- Could we have sex in the _____?
- Would you let me explore you more?
Be Honest and Give Feedback
“I’d say that was an 9/10 sex session, great job. I really liked it when you ____ and then you _____ and then it was like _____” LOL but seriously, talking about what you liked and what you didn’t like afterward can be really beneficial to becoming closer in intimacy. Being honest and giving feedback is something you can practice outside the bedroom as well. At your work, in your family and even within friendships.
Everyone is super busy. Whether it is with kids, your work, your side job, your hobbies, working out, hanging with friends, making sure you get sleep, etc etc etc!! If you aren’t making time for intimacy, what else are you not making time for? Prioritize your time for the things that you require the most of to fill you cup! Physical intimacy is also important. Making time to be intimate with your partner is something you could try scheduling into your weekly calendar OR if you are already having sex enough for you and your partner, just skip this step!
*DISCLAIMER* not wanting to have sex with your partner is something to look into. I was in several unhealthy relationships and when my gut went off when he wanted to have sex, I knew that was a red flag. If you are feeling a certain type of way about sex and your partner, you may want to figure out where that is coming from and work on the emotional side of things before sex. Find someone to talk to about this
This is the biggest struggle for me. I have trouble relaxing in life in general so its a no brainer that I can’t relax during sex either. Relaxing during sex and focusing just on me and my partner is the hardest thing! This is my biggest goal for the next year, RELAX, RELAX, RELAXXX! I want to be fully present and only focused on the task at hand (haha)!
Resources To Help