Recently (Yes, like 5 days ago) I decided that the long distance love thing wasn’t working for me. When I think about a relationship or getting to know someone, I think about doing the most normal things together but they feel like magic. Like, going to the farmer’s market or after sex Netflix binge watching. I want someone who knows me, understands me and that I can love all over constantly (or like semi constantly). These are difficult to accomplish when the person is states away. It is challenging to imagine and plan for the future as well.
Why I Am Doing This
The other thing is, I am doing a lot of work in therapy that revolves around myself. I am so triggered by men yet I continue to make them the solution in my life. It is hard to do this kind of work when so many triggers keep popping up in new relationships. While my therapist has been telling me this for years, I am finally realizing it and making the change. So, for the next 6 months, I will not be dating. I will be leaning in to things that make me happy, things that challenge me and sitting with the loneliness.
What I Hope to Gain
It isn’t a secret that I don’t spend a lot of time grieving from the loss of a relationship. This is something that I am open about and something that I am actively trying to fix. Through the next 6 months I hope to grieve from every past relationship and trauma that I have endured. I hope to gain a new sense of self worth that has nothing to do with a man giving me attention, taking me on dates, spending time with me, texting me, loving me or having sex with me. I am hopeful that during this time I will gain new skills and take up some new hobbies.. because let me be honest, not having men around can be extremely fucking boring, so I plan to re-learn to knit, read more books, go on more hikes and probably some other shit I haven’t thought of yet! I hope to gain new independence and a clear picture of what I want out out of life. I also have several goals I am working on this year that I should put some more time into! (Read 40 books, Save Money, Travel Internationally). I hope to work through trauma in therapy and come out the other side of this feeling refreshed.
So after I decided to do this, my lovely friend Meg came over and I cried for a few hours. Being alone is very hard for me. Feeling like I am nothing without a man is central to my life. I feel upset, angry and hurt when I end a relationship and the man doesn’t fight for me. These are central themes in my life that I would really like to change. My friends are my biggest support because I feel like I can be raw and honest. Also, my therapist (obviously)!
When I Am Ready
“How will I know I am ready to date?”
“Where will I meet someone?”
“How do I know I won’t run into the same issues?”
“Am I doomed to be alone or *feel alone* even when I am in a relationship?”
“How do people who have severe trauma and panic disorder date?”
“Will I ever feel like someone would choose me for life?”
My hope is that when the next 6 months are up that I won’t be in a rush to find someone. I am taking the next 6 months to work on me so I don’t feel like I need to immediately download Tinder and Bumble and find the next man. So when the next 6 months have expired, maybe I will be ready and maybe I will feel like I don’t care to date right now. Do I want to get married and share happiness? Well yeah but I am hoping that I will feel complete without it.
When I am ready, I likely won’t be dating on apps or online. I want friendship above anything else and that is hard to do when meeting online.
In conclusion, I am feeling positive about the next 6 months. Mornings are hard. Nighttime is hard. It is challenging to wake up and not feel like anyone cares if you have a good day. Or, I should say it is challenging to wake up and not feel like a MAN cares if you have a good day. Plenty of my friends care and I know that. I just place more emphasis on men caring. I plan to stay busy but also let myself be bored and sit with that feeling of boredom, loneliness and *abandonment*. I chose to do this now because I kept asking myself “If not now, then when?”
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