The thing is, nobody can answer this question. Not me, not my therapist, not any of my friends. I think the hardest thing is that nobody truly knows how I feel. Nobody knows that sometimes its hard to get out of bed and already be tearing up between walking to my bed and the bathroom to wash my face. People don’t realize that behind these posts is a lot of real and raw pain. I am not exaggerating my experiences and I certainly don’t share everything but its hard to share when I can’t always explain what is going on.
“Why am I like this?” I ask myself, constantly.
Why can’t I just have the normal amount of feelings and not emotions that feel so…heavy? Why are my thoughts so thick and overwhelming? Wouldn’t it be easier if I didn’t feel much at all? Sure, I take Ativan and Xanax to dull it out sometimes. Is that recommended? Well, I not a prescriber of medication, but sometimes it just..works.
This journey toward feeling better, isn’t linear. It isn’t like a physical problem like a broken leg. You go to the doctor, you get diagnosed with a broken leg, doctor puts on cast, and then you feel better in 6 weeks. I am not always going to have the energy to be upbeat or feel like things are going to get better. Sometimes, I am just sad. Sometimes, I make mistakes. Sometimes, I don’t make the next best choice.
“How many times are you going to tell yourself to get over it?”
I’m trying not to beat myself up for letting myself feel raw emotions. Sometimes I wake up crying. Sometimes I go to bed, crying. I know that this shit cannot be normal. But I also don’t think it is helpful to keep thinking that way. So I just tell myself, this is what you’re feeling now and maybe in 30 minutes, you’ll feel differently. Likely, in a few days, you will feel a whole lot better than you do now.
My therapist tells me there is no “normal person” and people have all shades of problems. I can’t help but think that mine seem far worse than other people’s problems. I guess I am just feeling a bit hopeless while I am usually so full of hope. But in a way, that is kinda freeing. I am filled with fucking problems. There .. I said it!
My feelings feel like grief.
Who am I mourning today?
What is playing in my head on a loop of sadness?
Why cannot I not heal from the past?
Why can’t I disconnect from people?
One of my major themes and something that is central to who I am is feeling like I care much more about people than they do about me. I think that unless someone is doing something extreme, they really don’t give a shit. I think that this comes from abusive past relationships. I’d break up with him and then he’d call several hundred times begging for me back. Its hard to feel loved by anyone else when you break up with them and they just accept it. It feels like..I meant nothing. I know abuse isn’t love, I understand that premise but that doesn’t mean that themes of that don’t still creep into every relationship in my life. It doesn’t mean I can accept normal love. Because, right now, I just can’t.
When will any of this get better?
When will I truly feel whole?
Things aren’t always peachy.. but if you’d like to read a more peachy post check out 7 ideas for self care you can do this week