“You’re an inspiration”
“You are so talented”
“You inspire me to talk about my own mental health”
“You’re happiness is contagious”
“You are absolutely hilarious”
or my personal favorite “Please sex chat me”
Yeah.. and I am wildly depressed sometimes and other times I am so anxious I feel like I can’t move. Sometimes I lay in a ball and just weep quietly until my lips are pumped full of blood because everything else has drained from my face. Sometimes I stare at the wall and think about all the disappointing events of my life and how I still feel disappointed now. I am not happy all the time. I’d argue that even in my most depressing and anxious times, I am still quite hilarious but that isn’t the point. Well, maybe it is part of the point. You can be hilarious and depressed!
I don’t feel like an inspiration every day either. My life is not filled with joy every second. I don’t feel like a blossoming mermaid super blogger woman every day. What I find unique about my experience is that I am okay with it. I am okay with feeling the breadth of my emotions because I know, it won’t last. Which is new to me. I used to sit in my depression and stew in it and feel like the darkness would go on forever. I would sit with my panic and give it to my anxiety in an unhelpful way.
If I hold back tears, its only going to give me a headache.
If I don’t write about my feelings, it will come out in anger later.
If I don’t speak openly about what is growing my anxiety, it starts to bloom into a field of panic.
I feel like my emotions are chemical. Thoughts of “what ifs”, feelings of hurt and betrayal, experiences replaying in my head, regrets of unsaid statements, painful and hateful events, overwhelming and intoxicating senses, hormones and medications all make up this elixir of sensory experience called my emotions. Similarly, this is how I feel in love.
When I cry, its hard.
When I smile, its even harder.
My attachment to people is forever.
My emotions are thick and paste like kinda like leftover grits that nobody will eat.. but i’d just throw some cheese on them and scarf it down because frankly, I am kinda gross.
They feel stuck to me and central.
My tears must drop or it gives me a migraine.
I can’t just not feel things.
Feeling things is who I am.
Getting over things isn’t possible.
Forgetting doesn’t work.
My connection to people is quick. It’s infiltrating and rooted in abandonment issues.
My emotions are
What helps on the tougher days?
I find that sitting with my emotions and letting myself feel them instead of telling myself “I shouldn’t feel this way” or “I should be over this by now” is extremely effective. Typically, these days of sadness only last a day or two and sometimes, only an hour. I need to feel and I have to give my permission to do so or it builds.
What does that look like?
I was talking to my therapist about this today. I told her that when I get a text that pisses me off or if I can really hurt by a situation, I write. I take out my little moleskin journal and I start writing about why I am upset, angry, hurt, in pain or crying. I even do it at work. It takes a few minutes and I feel a lot better once I get it all out.
Sometimes it is at night and I am grieving over an upsetting break up. I have to allow myself to just let the tears flow. Sometimes its just one tissue and other times its a half box. Yes, they know me by name at Walgreens not only because I purchase a lot of tissues but because of my extensive pharmacy account.
Benefits of sticking to a schedule
I can talk all day about why a schedule is beneficial to my life but to sum it up, it keeps me regular and in balance. I work, Monday – Friday 8-5pm. I am also on call several evenings a month. Feeling like you are at the beck and call of something can be stressful. Not only that, I am raising a child by myself and trying to do all the other things to live a passionate life. Carving out time for myself is essential. This is something that nobody else is going to give to you, you have to take it. In fact, your family, friends and coworkers will only try to take up more and more of your time. You have to be able to say “No, I don’t want to go tonight. I’d rather be alone.” or “No, I can’t make it to your party because I have done a lot this week.” or “I can make next Wednesday work but this weekend is for me.”
This, in the past, was severely lacking for me. I knew I required alone time but I didn’t make enough time for myself.
So what do you love?
What fills you?
What brings you joy? (Not in the Marie Kondo way, I truly think she sells OCD)
How are you going to make time for this each week?
What can you incorporate into your life today that would change how you felt? Blossoming Part 1: how one thing can change your life
What do you have to do?
What are the things that you don’t like doing but must do?
For me, its grocery shopping. I order my groceries online. I hate going to the grocery store with my daughter because she wants everything and it is a very stressful experience. I pick them up after work and then I have the rest of the evening to do something else. Its one thing that makes my life a little easier.
Blossoming doesn’t happen overnight. Making small changes and sometimes, just one change, can impact everything else.
so.. what are you going to do?