“Well, if you hadn’t been such a fuck up, your life wouldn’t be this way now.”
“I really think you should stop writing about your personal life on the internet.”
“Why would you change your hair?”
“You shouldn’t be dating as a mom.”
“If you lose weight, you will find a husband more easily.”
“Don’t post that, people will judge you.”
“YOU were a shitty teenager, that is why you feel the way you do now.”
Does this sound familiar? Yeah, it does for me too. I have people in my life that make me feel like the sum of my life can only be deduced from all the ways that I have fucked it up. Nothing is positive. Nothing is supportive. Nothing is “It will get better I am sure!” or “What can I do to help?”
The blame is rampant and these people fuel up from shaming others. But if I know this, why do I still expect support?
Well, like I have said before, I think part of me still has expectations that I had when I was a kid.
If I just explain myself in a new way, they will support my decisions.
If I tell them that I didn’t consent, they will be able to blame the guy and not a 12 year old (me).
If I just tell them I am a really inspiring people on my blog maybe they will grow to respect my writing.
If I tell them I am truly (mostly) happy maybe one day they will actually believe it instead of making me feel insane.
If I keep telling them that I am practically 30 and don’t need their advice, maybe they will finally back off from giving it.
“Where do these expectations come from?”
I’m not entirely sure. Every time I try to gain support, I end up feeling like a part of me was just crushed. They don’t know this because usually I react in anger “Why the fuck are you so un-supportive?”..
but within me, I just feel hurt. I was talking to Meg the other day about expectations and the biggest thing we both got from the conversation is that we cannot expect others to have the same perspective, heart, feelings or intentions that we do. Just because we wouldn’t talk to someone in the ways above, doesn’t mean that someone else thinks its fine (its totally not but you see where I am going with this). Yes, I realize this is SUPER hard. It is hard not to have the same expectations for someone as you would for yourself.
All people have their own shit, even your parents, as my therapist would say.
Your siblings, your parents, your coworkers and even your friends all have their own shit.
I have got to stop expecting support from un-supportive people. All it does it leave me feeling confused and unfocused on the things that make me happy. Some people are just incapable of self reflection and incapable of offering support because of their own experiences. Knowing this, why do I want support from these people the most? Hmm..
So, I ask, if we change our expectations of other people what will we gain in the process?