Self hate can look like a lot of different things, right? It could be stifling your creativity, it could be self harm, it could be not getting the help that you need, it could be consistently telling yourself you are ugly, unworthy of love or disgusting.
It could be throwing yourself into situations knowing that they are unhealthy.
It could be staying in a job knowing that it is awful for your well being.
It could be obsessing over your size or weight.
It could be consistently dating men that are bad for you.
It could be the way you talk to yourself.
It could be prolonging asking your doc for medication.
It could be not living passionately.
It could be giving into fear.
To me, self hate looked like repeating the same behaviors over and over again. It looked like jumping from one relationship to the next, always looking for the next person that would fill me up. It was the way that I spoke about myself inside my head. It was believing the lies that people would tell me
“if you would just lose weight, you’d find a husband”
“if you would be more submissive, men would like you more”
“you should really tone your body, you have definitely gained weight”
“men aren’t dating you because you have had a lot of sex”
Self hate was believing the lies that other people were telling me and creating a belief system about myself.
“you are unworthy of love”
“you are a whore”
“you will never get married”
“you are a lot to put up with”
and every time something happened within a relationship, all of these statements would repeat over and over again in a cycle.
Self hate was me picking at my nails until they bled. Self hate was looking in the mirror and diagnosing things that I would change if I had more money. Self half was telling myself “I can’t ever talk openly about my struggles because people will judge me.”
Eventually, I got sick of it. I was sick of hating myself. I was sick of being the person that people wanted me to be. I was sick of trying to live up to standards that didn’t fit within my values. I was just sick of it.
What sparked self love?
Like with most things, I did one thing and it spiraled into a bunch of other helpful things. I think I had my first “Ah-ha!” moment after I had been on Pristiq for a few weeks. I had more energy, I was able to think more clearly and I wasn’t obsessing over situations. I was like “Mkay..so yes I am a little euphoric on this buttttt I feel absolutely fantastic, what the absolute fuck was I waiting for all these years?”
I was able to be my authentic self and not have daily panic. It makes it much easier to love yourself when you aren’t deep in the hole of depression and anxiety. So medication, combined with therapy, combined with just my brain being fully developed helped me. Yeah, I know..waiting to grow up is rough. But, I can tell you that life keeps getting better as you get older.
What did you do?
I leaned into activities that I am naturally good at. I cut out the bullshit of trying to do things and be things that just aren’t working. I started writing more, making people laugh more and just being myself. So far, so good.
I found a passion. It all started when my therapist suggested that I get involved with a storytelling group. After that moment of confidence on stage, I was all “Yeah, I could do other shit too so..let’s start a blog!”
I spent a lot of time alone. This is how I recharge. This is how I get to connect and think clearly. If you aren’t spending quality time with yourself, do that today. This doesn’t mean scrolling on your phone in your bed. This means taking yourself out to dinner. This means curling up with a good book. This means travelling alone.
I gave myself “easy wins”. I set easy and attainable goals and started meeting them. Why do I set the goal to only blog 4 times a month? because I KNOW I can achieve. Who wants to set goals and then feel like a failure? Not me. Set some attainable goals and start meeting them. Do you find it hard to get out of bed and shower? Well think about how clean and good you’re gonna feel once you do that. Winner winner chicken lovely dinner, you met your goal!
I healed some past wounds. Sure, I have a lot of wounds and I have only healed some of them but that is a start. You gotta stop blaming yourself. You gotta give yourself some grace!
Self hate is something that is extremely difficult to get through. Self love is something that is hard to describe but once you have it, you know it.
I wish you all the luck on this journey toward self love!
Need some tips on taking care of yourself?
Want to read more about getting through the tough days?