Has anyone ever tried to make you feel ashamed for being who you are?
I have had quite a few people try to minimize me over the years. Family, friends, boyfriends and coworkers. The funny thing is (not funny but you see where I am going..) nobody was ever worried about me when I was recklessly depressed or so anxious I that I failed out of school or called out of work. Where was your fake worry then? Now, that I am loudly loving life, myself and my body, somehow, this makes people *worried*. What a crock of shit.
Its not a secret that I am outspoken about topics that some may shy away from. I talk candidly about mental health struggles, hating Trump, disliking toxic men, embracing body positivity, leaving negative work environments, enjoying sex, struggling with sex, menstruation, birth control, single parenting, etc etc etc. The more controversial it seems, I am going to dive right in. You know why? Because it makes me happy. It makes me happy to challenge other people’s discomfort. It makes me happy to understand why they are uncomfortable talking about ordinary things that shouldn’t be shamed.
Your discomfort isn’t a reason for me to stop
It isn’t my job to please everyone. It isn’t my job to stop talking about topics or to stop showing my postpartum-stretch mark ridden-flabby ass-bat winged-freckled up-hairy animal-wrinkled-amazing body. It isn’t my job to ensure that everyone who follows me is satisfied with every post that I make. I don’t aim to please men or ensure that they are into my posts. That isn’t the point of my blog or my Instagram. I write because I enjoy it and it is therapeutic for me. I don’t write to make sure that other people feel totally comfortable..actually I probably write to do the exact opposite.
Your discomfort for the lack of modesty I have isn’t a reflection upon me. It is a reflection upon you. I respect that others value modesty (trust me, my two best friends are from Iowa and generally don’t show their ankles..I’M KIDDING!).
I post pictures of my body on Instagram to inspire women to love the body they have today vs. the body they wish they had. Sure, I do this in my underwear and bra sometimes. How many times a day do you see a woman (OR A MAN??) modeling in underwear? Probably quite a few times. Is it better that she is being paid to do it? Or is it better if she does it for free (like I am now)? IT IS UNDERWEAR. IT ISN’T PORN. And if it seems like porn to you, I feel bad for you, your porn is very boring.
Men who comment weird, creepy and downright disgusting things are not validating me. I don’t get any validation from this type of comment. If anything, I just keep finding men more and more disgusting. (Kidding..). I would be more impressed if a man messaged me and said “Your writing is beautiful” and you know what? Sometimes they do and I do get validation from that.
Have you noticed that the most toxic and abusive people are always fake-worried about you once you start standing up for yourself?
“I am really worried, you seem different”
“I am really worried for you, you aren’t acting like yourself”
“You keep cutting people out of your life, I am worried”
“I thought you were a different a person”
It is called gaslighting. If you trying to make someone question their actions and make them feel like they are insane for feeling good about themselves, you are a gaslighter.
Gaslighting – Manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.
This happened over and over again when I was in an abusive relationship with my ex. He would constantly say things like “I need to protect you, I am worried someone will hurt you.” or “Men only look at you for sexual purposes, don’t post things like that.” Come to find out, he is the one that did all the hurting.
Have you ever noticed that people who are fake-worried about you are also undereducated-pseudo therapists?
“I don’t think this will help your PTSD”
“You shouldn’t cut out your family, they are blood”
“You should probably not look for attention online”
“Talking about things that should be private won’t help you”
First of all, I must have missed you getting your counseling degree, attending hundreds if not thousands of hours of therapy for yourself and others, being supervised by a more experienced therapist and getting fully licensed in order to give my advice on how to live my life. I am deeply sorry I couldn’t make it to your graduation because …IT DIDN’T HAPPEN.
I have been seeing my therapist for a year and a half. There is nobody who knows more personal details about how I feel or who I am more willing to bare my soul to because it works. Therapy works. What doesn’t work is incompetent people giving unsolicited advice on how to cure PTSD (or any of the other diagnosis). Also, side note, my therapist doesn’t really give advice and if you have ever been to therapy, you would know this.
Using insecurities against you
Have you had a friend, family member or significant other throw things in your face during a fight or when you ultimately want the relationship to end? Yeah..me too. My ex would say things like..
“Your parents don’t even love you, they sent you to boarding school”
“Your dad hates your family”
“Men only use you for sex, you are basically just a hole”
What is fascinating to me, is that women do this too. Women do it in friendships. Women do it when they are your own family. I don’t know why I hold women to a higher standard (I guess I should quit this).
First of all, how dare you bring up my insecurities that I try so hard to work on.
Second of all, I feel bad for you. You are so miserable and toxic, you want other people to feel the same way that you do. Misery loves company right?
It is obvious to me that anyone who would pretend to be worried but in the same breath bring up things that you are insecure about doesn’t care for you one bit.
It is attention seeking behavior.
It is verbal abuse.
It is because they feel powerless when you feel powerful.
It is that they are so dull and dark and embarrassed that your light shines.
It is the way they feel about themselves and wanting to project it onto you.
It is wrong.
So, in conclusion, no I will not stop writing. No I will not stop posting pictures about body positivity, self love and mental health on Instagram. I will only start sharing more. I will only aim to be more helpful, more challenging and more controversial. I will continue doing what makes me feel strong, beautiful and worthy.