“Because you are women, people will force their thinking on you, their boundaries on you. They will tell you how to dress, how to behave, who you can meet and where you can go. Don’t live in the shadows of people’s judgement. Make your own choices in the light of your own wisdom.” – Amitabh Bachchan
The thing is, a lot of people expect family to be this undying and eternal thing. Family is your blood. Family is your DNA. But what if your family is also increasingly insane, hurtful and harmful?
Recently, I had two family members ring my door bell. After contemplating who could be at my door in the 5 seconds, they walked into my home without my permission. I sat there with my friend and asked “What the fuck are you doing??” I haven’t spoken to these two individuals in months. I have made it clear I don’t want a relationship and I don’t enjoy being around them..yet..they feel that they can walk into my home and force a relationship on me.
So, I broke it down in therapy this week.
You don’t get to dictate if I want a relationship with you or not. Last time I checked, no was an answer and a complete sentence. I don’t have to give a reason to not want a relationship with someone but in an effort to be transparent let’s be clear. I don’t want a relationship with these people because I have nothing in common with them, they have been hurtful to me since I was a child and if they weren’t my family I would NEVER choose to be their friend. I don’t want a relationship, take the massive hint and fuck off.
They don’t respect this decision or ANY decision. After having this conversation multiple times, especially anytime they have called me names like bitch/whore/slut/fat, embarrassed me on purpose, made comments about my political affiliation or made fun of me, I have said “this is the last time I will come over” or “this is it.” I mean, I am not talking normal poking fun. I am talking calling all of my ex’s racial slurs, telling me I am fat and that is why I am not married and saying that I have made up everything on my blog. Is this normal? No. After making a logical argument of why I don’t want a relationship, they still don’t respect my decision. It is one thing to call every few months to see if I am more open to it but walking into my home? You crossed the line, congratulations. Do it again? The cops will be called.
Anger and threats will not change my mind. What I find funny about this situation is that I try to look at most situations logically. If you are mad that someone doesn’t want a relationship with you mostly because of your extreme anger, hurtful personality and rage..why would you show up to their house with this same behavior demanding a relationship? I mean..just think about it logically..how would this convince me? Not only do you not respect my decision, you don’t respect my home or my space..you know have a meltdown where you threaten to spank me..good one. Now I can see why everyone would want to have a friendship with you, you are so CHARMING!
So what now?
Besides installing a house alarm? A lot. The thing is, dealing with this isn’t new. This was my entire childhood and well into my adolescence and adulthood. The toxic behavior, the insults and the demeaning behavior toward women is so normal to me. So I am aiming to de-normalize this in therapy and stand up for myself constantly. Its hard to not make excuses for them but once you try to remove yourself and take a look at their behavior, it is easy to see that it isn’t normal.
The best part about being an adult is that you don’t have to have people in your life that completely suck. I get to decide who gets to spend time around me, my daughter and within my home. Men are so comfortable with trying to get you do things that you do not want to do but it is completely empowering to just say “No”.